~ Are they twins?
We answer no and 99.9% of the time another question follows.
~ How far apart are they in age?
We answer 8 months and this gets all kinds of reactions.
One man asked me how it was possible that I gave birth to children just 8 months apart. Bless his heart for thinking I gave birth to them. That is something we don't get very often.
The next question is usually
~Are they REAL sister and brother?
We are still working on the best answer for this never ending question.
Jeff always says, "They are now".
The most polite way we've been asked this is "Are they genetically brother and sister"?
I've had a few people wonder if they came as a set (like a set of puppies or something)
The questions about them being siblings and adoption in general go on and on from there but these are just the most frequently asked.
I am sure anyone that has adopted can relate to these questions and many more.
There are days when it doesn't bother me and other days that I get so irritated by the questions.
We knew when we adopted children from China we were opening our lives up to a lot of questions. I know some people are interested in adoption and I love when they approach us. I am always excited to help a family that is considering adoption. But 95% of the time it is just people asking to ask.
About a month ago I was in a UPS store sending 4 packages and I took Lily and Ty with me. You can imagine this was a fun outing.... with a 2 year old, a 3 year old, a worn out mom, and 4 packages.
Thankfully the store had a small play area. Lily and Ty were thrilled about that and kept busy the entire time. I was thinking YEE HAW... I've found a place I can get my mailing done and keep them entertained..... always a plus when I can get my things done and keep them happy.
The lady helping me happened to be the owner of the store. She started with the usual questions about them being brother and sister (see questions above) and then went on and on. It all happened so fast and I SOOOO wish I could go back to that moment and deal with it differently.
Her questions came faster than I could stop her. All while I am trying to keep Lily and Ty from hearing her, checking the shipping labels she is handing me, and process that this ignorant woman is asking me all these questions.
Here are the questions she had for me... these are all after we established the validity of them being siblings....
~Did their parents just not want them?
~You must have a lot of money to get two of them?
~You are lucky to get 2 cute ones because some of them are ....well... you know.... just not so cute (her words not mine).
~Why did their parents give them up when they are so cute?
~Was something wrong with them?
~What do you know about their mom and dad?
~Were they in an orphanage and was it just awful?
~Were they mistreated, starved, etc?
~Did you try fertility?
~Could you just not have children?
I am not sure I answered any of her questions... I felt like I was frozen and this woman is just rattling off questions at me and I can't answer. I have been asked many of these questions before by strangers just never all at once like that.
I really don't remember leaving the store or what I said to her while in the store...
I just remember that Lily was VERY quiet for a good part of the day and it hurt my heart so much to think she might have heard any of it. It was a HUGE awakening to what lies ahead. I am certain the questions will always be there....
What did I learn from the whole thing........we just need to be better prepared.
18 comments:
Oh gosh, Tiffany! I'm so sorry to hear about how you were BOMBARDED by that woman...how horrible!
Yes, it is our responsibility to be prepared for other's ignorance, for our children's sake. It's difficult though, when the questions are uncalled for and out of NOWHERE.
I'll need to get my spirit ready, so I don't respond in the flesh!
Hugs to you and your sweet family!
P.S. stunning picture.
Holy cow! I can't believe how blunt that lady was. I'm sure I would've reacted and started asking HER questions that she would've been shocked to hear. ha! That was none of her business and I'm sorry you and your kids had to hear all that. I read your blog to my husband and he was shocked as well. A reminder to me too of what lies ahead and be prepared for my response. You just don't know what to do though until you've been through it or know someone who has.
Oh Tiffany...I'm so sorry you were subjected to such ignorance! argh! Its one thing to be asked rude questions but when its in front of our children... they might as well stick a knife thru our heart. Some people have no filter between their brain and their mouth. For some reason Asian people like to ask me how much Lauren cost. I used to get the same "twin" questions about Mikayla and Nicolas when they were younger. And like you...I always think of a come back after the fact. We'll have to put our heads together and come up with something that shuts them down. Get out the armor! heehee
The photo of Lily is breathtaking...wow! She is SO beautiful!!
Hi, someone sent me a link to your blog as our children are very similar ages etc. Your children are beautiful! Ours are only 4 days apart. I can so relate to the barage of questions. One night my dh and I were out alone and I commented how nice it was to be totally unnoticed and not have to answer anyone's questions! I am still working on appropriate answers and especially as they get older and understand the things being said.
Tiffany,
I am so glad to find your blog. My little boy and girl from China are 8 months apart! I get the same reactions obviously from people. I would love for us to talk more but I could not figure out how to e-mail you. My e-mail is Kimmycristo@cox.net. Blog address is www.cristofolettifamily@blogspot.com
Kimmy cristofoletti
I guess it's possible that people just don't realize the impact of their questions on you and the children. It's rude and thoughtless of them but perhaps they just don't know that. They need to be educated. They need to be told perhaps the age of the children and that they have been brother and sister for __ months. Any further ?'s should be answered with words that indicate that you very much appreciate and understand their interest in your beautiful children but that you don't(or you prefer not to) discuss this further with little ears listening. Period. Repeat when necessary.
Our little ones need to know that it's possible to meet ignorance and discrimination with a touch of kindness and understanding but with a firm attitude of their equality and place among mankind. I wish you and them strength and patience with this endeavor.
Love, Auntie Maxine
Oh, Tiffany - my heart hurts so much for these children, OUR children, that they would have to hear so much unwarranted converstion. We don't HAVE the answers to a lot of the questions...
Thanks for sharing in our joy today!
I know I have asked you before, but can you tell me one more time what you are shooting your amazing pictures with?
((Hugs))
This woman was absent from class one too many times! :)
The littles have a phenomenal support system in you and Jeff that will help them rise above such ignorance in the world. Words can't express the beauty and spirit that lies within you, Jeff, Miss Lily & Ty! The picture is beautiful!
Love, Mom/grandma G
oh boy did your post sound like my life...the grocery store is where we usually get the nosey questions. Isn't it just annoying! I've finally given myself permission to tell the worst offenders quite bluntly that adoption can be complicated and they should feel free to study up on it before asking questions/giving advice/or commenting on my family. It takes A LOT of practice to be ready with the best responses and my guess is that at each stage of our kids lives, we'll have to learn new ways to deal with the nosey, ignorant folks.
My fav. offensive story so far was the guy sitting in front of us on our flight back from China. He insisted that Lu's non stop crying was due to being spoiled, not just recently being adopted and that we should sit him in a seat by off himself. He kept his "advice" up for the entire 18 flight no matter how many times I asked him to turn around and let us take care of our son. To this day, it is a miracle that he didn't get off that flight with a fork sticking out of his forehead.
Can I ask which zoom lens?
You simply say "Their mine, it does'nt matter how we get our fsmily.
" Tiffany I get all kinds of questions too! Such as " how are you going to be able to give them up?" "Wont it be hard." "Will you still see them?" Oh the list goes on! I can sorta relate! That was a good idea to blog that, I think I should write something about that
to clear up questions. I think you and Jeff are amazing and Lily and Ty are so lucky to have you for parents.
Love. Jen
I just wanted to share something that one of my friends from California who had adopted two girls from Viet Nam (only 2 months apart) decided to do with the questions. Not that it's right, but I think it's funny. When people asked if they are twins, she would say, What do you think? She said it was often fun, to watch people figure it out! As far as the other questions dependant on her mood, she would respond YES or NO to all the questions in a monotone voice. Usually by her 2nd or 3rd unenthusiastic response, they would realize they were out of line. Although this lady doesn't seem she would have, in which case I would bring the bubble mowers into the store the next time and let the kids have at it!
Thank God you've got grace and tact, something that lady clearly has never heard of. I think I would have thrown a stapler at her.
Whatever evil and prejudicial nonsense your beautiful children will encounter, I do know that if they see you being strong for them and watch you react with disdain for the questions and pity for the questioner, it really doesn't matter what gets said. They'll come to understand that they look different but that they're loved and a part of a loving and supportive family. And that words can be twisted any way you want them to go, good or bad. Learned that from some really cool friends with some similar family issues.
Oh Tiffany, that post just made me cry, especially w/ the closing photo of Lily. Gosh, I've had those questions, those encounters, I've felt what you've felt, but when you see Lily's face, it really brings it home that it's less about us and adoption and all about them...their short lives already. You know, she probably was listening because that's what our little girls do best, they watch us from the eyes on the back of their heads and they absorb everything. I wish I was there to give her a big hug and a reaffirming smile...some answers in life we'll never know, but trust in our destiny goes a long way to bringing us peace in the present. I wouldn't do business there again (tho I appreciate finding that place you can go and the kids can be happy...see if Lily is as happy there next time tho). Ignorant people. I think the best-prepared answer, would be to say "Look at my daughter's face, now re-think asking me those questions in her presence." Hugs Tiffany!
Sarah
Oh my, I don't even know what to say...I think I would have been in shock and left speechless.
Maybe next time you go in there, remind her of your visit and let her know that many of her questions were inappropriate and let her know why so that she doesn't do that again. From the sounds of it, I'm not sure that she'd 'get' it, but you can always try. :)
I must admit I would be someone on the street asking if they are twins!! lol
We get the "twins" question frequently and the "are they real brother and sister" question even more often. I am very uncomfortable with the "real" question. What other kind of sibling is there?
I didn't realize the impact it has already had on the children, though, until last week. I placed a picture of the two of them on the counter. Ellie asked why I had their picture out, so I explained that I was taking it to work to hang where I can see it. She then asked, "so that when people ask if we are real brother and sister, you can say 'yes'?". WHAT???? These little ones are being hurt by the insensitive remarks!
Our two are almost 11 months apart in age. Soon, we will add another little girl who is 5 months younger than Elliana and 6 months older than Wesley. I dread the questions.
If you come up with a good response, please post for all to read. I know we could sure use one.
By the way, your little ones are getting cuter all the time!
Dear Tiffany,
Yes, it is sometimes hard being a walking exhibition for some people. Mom being very blond, both children being very asian (luckely) and having a husband with darker hair than both of our children! We also get those questions and mostly at the most incovenient moments!! Standing in line at the supermarket, trying to ride my bike with my 2 kids, one in the front, one at the back, and I can go on and on! Most asked question so far: Do you know their real parents? My oldest (almost 5)reacts by raising her eyebrows and opening her beautiful eyes very widely!! I feel so sad for her that she has to hear those comments at moments when other people choose to ask them and not at the time when she is actually ready for those questions!! I thought it was a typical Dutch thing to be very nosy/ignorant (hope I spell this right..) but it seems to bee a "global problem"!
I mostly want to react by asking the same kind of questions right back at them, but for the sake of our children I just don't say anything.....
Yes, we have to be prepared for all those things to come and I'm up for getting ourselves united!!!!
Loving your blog!!!
Love from Holland,
Melanie
proud Mom of Sophie Xiangshuang (almost 5) and our Xi'an-warrior Siem Xinqiang (2)!
www.qperspunt.nl
What an awful lady. Yucky lady! Yuck yuck yuck.
This is a quote from "The lucky ones" from ECW Press.
"At our local grocery store in Ottawa, total strangers in the checkout line would ask whether Cleo was adopted. I would reply with an equally impertinent question: were your kids born vaginally or by Caesarian?"
I have not used this technique yet, but I think I will next time someone asks me intrusive questions...
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