The littles?????
NOPE.......
but when I saw this little duo they sure reminded me of Lily and Ty.
but when I saw this little duo they sure reminded me of Lily and Ty.
THE LITTLES
This post is not meant to sound bitter or anything of the sort.... but I wanted to share.....
Being a family with children from China we get MANY questions (which I know I have shared before).
The most popular question is the brother and sister question.
It use to start out with ARE THEY TWINS.... my answer was NO.... then it would go on to how old are they.... what is their age difference....
I can totally understand people asking if they are twins. I might do the same. They are very close in size and look similar.
BUT the most frequently asked and my LEAST favorite question is...
ARE THEY REAL BROTHER AND SISTER?
This is always asked loud enough for Lily and Ty to hear.
One week I counted (crazy I know) and we were asked over 20 times.
I have given many answers to this question... I try to be polite for the benefit of Lily and Ty.
On a recent trip to the grocery store the clerk decided she needed to ask this ever so popular question. Here is the scene.....
Lily and Ty were getting antsy and starting to fight, Ty was trying to reach the credit card machine, Lily was pulling at him to sit down, he was yelling at her, she pinched him and told him to listen, he yelled NO LILY, and so on.
That is when the clerk asks LOUDLY (probably because they were so loud).....
Are they REAL(with emphasis on the real part) brother and sister?
I was sweating from going through the store as fast as humanly possible, feeling a little weak because I was hungry, and knowing that the check out is usually when Lily and Ty have reached the end of their shopping experience.
SOOOOO.... I wasn't in my usual friendly mood (hee hee) when I answered........WELL they are NOW.
I must have answered loudly because she looked shocked but not enough to stop asking ?'s.
She continues.... I mean are they REALLY brother and sister?
I (still not in the best mood) said, "THEY ARE NOW". She seemed to catch the fact that I was done answering because she stopped questioning. Luckily Lily and Ty were picking at each other so much they didn't hear any of it.
For a while we would answer that they are NOT biological.... but I don't like how negative that sounds.
Since I know this is a question we are always going to get I want to have an answer that sounds positive for Lily and Ty.
I know that people are curious and I am sure they don't think about how the question sounds to Lily and Ty. BUT Jeff and I do think about how the question sounds to Lily and Ty. We can't protect them from people asking questions but we can give good answers.
My brother and I.......
I wonder how we would have felt if that was a question we heard growing up....
What answer would my parents have given.... Ok maybe we shouldn't go there.... hee hee
I wonder how we would have felt if that was a question we heard growing up....
What answer would my parents have given.... Ok maybe we shouldn't go there.... hee hee
17 comments:
You have done a fine job of answering questions, and you have the right attitude. You know Lily & Ty will always feel secure in the knowledge that you are their parents...in time the questions will stop. I love the picture of you and Ron & the Littles - all four of you are beautiful children. Love you all so much,
Mom
I've had a hard time recently with the word "adopted." We just got a puppy from the shelter--so the word has been flying around our house, no matter how careful we think we are. I wonder what that makes Alex think? Does he think a trip to the animal shelter to pick out a puppy is the same as what we did to bring him into our family? I certainly hope he understands, but I've been giving him a bit of extra attention just to be sure! We need different words!
Lora (Dobos)
PS
and Alex doesn't ask questions... He just holds it all in...
Answering questions is the hardest part of this journey. I always find myself wondering if I said the right thing. I think you did a great job though! :)
Like a previous commentor, I have a hard time with the word 'adopted', to me it sounds very cold?
Love, Jill. xx
Btw, you were a very cute wee girl! :)
ugh! Grocery stores are always the WORST! That's where we get all our awkward questions .... the other day an elderly woman stopped me several times to tell me how cute Clara and Lu were, and then finally to ask me in front of them "Do they know they're adopted?"
I smiled and thought "Why yes Rocket Scientist, if they didn't before, they do now!"
People ... aren't they just amazing ; )
Tiffany, I am so sorry you have to deal with all that. I am sure I have along the way asked a stupid question too. I wish I understood why people ask so many questions (although if it makes you feel better, people at the grocery store ask me if Doug and Greg are twins. Seriously? One is quite a bit smaller, but anyway....) I wonder if some of the questions are because adoption is something that used to be kept secret. Like even on that Friends episode that one time when Chandler spilled the beans to that boy. Or because people who have no exposure to adoption just don't get it. They don't get what all it takes to adopt, and probably even why people adopt. Ever since I have become introduced to the adoption community through you and Robin, I totally get it. And not that I'm saying you need to educate all of Kroger before you shop there, but I'm guessing some of the questions are because people are really deep down impressed at what you have done to bring these precious children into your lives, but they just don't understand it. And probably some too, is because everyone loves a happy ending, and they want to hear about it, but don't know how to ask. Everyone who adopts has a wonderful story to tell, and although I am sure it gets old, each time you tell your story you make adoption seem less secret. You are doing a GREAT job! Hugs, Megan
I feel your frustration! We get this question daily, multiple times a day! We get the twins question and also the "real" question. I say no to the twins. When they ask if they're "real" sisters, I just say yes and change the subject. But then it's followed by the age difference question. When I say, six months, I get a puzzled look, but I just give a big grin and keep on doing what I'm doing.
I think you did a great job. Some days it's harder to be polite, and that's OKAY!
First of all...YES, the first photo looks very much like Lily and Ty! Too funny!
Secondly, the photo of you and your brother is too cute for words! You've been beautiful your entire life, girl!
Oh...where do I begin with my feelings about these questions?? We adopted Mikayla 13 years ago. I can't ever remember a question that upset me. I enjoyed sharing the blessing of adoption with anyone that would listen. I used to read about these questions in yahoo groups and think that many were just too sensitive on the issue...causing their children to be sensitive on the issue. Lauren came home and my feelings changed. The lady at the checkout counter at Walmart was admiring how cute she was. Then she proceeds to talk about how they kill the girls in China... IN FRONT OF MY 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! Then I took Lauren to work to meet my friends and one man told me how "noble" I was for adopting her. NOBLE?! Then Mia Hope came home and now I go very few places that I don't get my feathers ruffled. One checker at Walmart asked where my girls were from. I replied "China" and her comment "Oh, you are one of them" One of THEM?? She proceeded with more rude remarks. She then asked me what I thought about the octo mom and I said to her "I think that people need to mind their own business and keep their comments to themselves". Her eyes got as big as silver dollars! The questions stopped. Another sales lady asked "Why from China?" As all 3 of my adopted girls were standing there. My response, "WHY NOT?" It stunned her because she didn't know how to respond. I am totally okay with adoption curiosity. And I do think that when they ask about these chidren being "real", its simply a poor choice of words and that if they had any idea how hurtful they were.. they would not use them again. I'm not sure what the answer is...but what is more important is what our children are learning from us as we respond to these inconsiderate comments. I'm still seeking the correct response. The thing is, as soon as I'm prepared to answer one set of questions, these checkers come up with new ones and they leave me baffled. lol Our local Walmart is the worst offender, and if it continues I am going to contact the manager about diversity classes for his employees. One checker went on and on because I was buying a Dora movie. She forbids Dora in her house because she speaks spanish and this is America. Again, in front of my Asian daughters. Does she think that everyone in heaven will speak English?
Hang in there my friend. I know you will find the best response and your children will grow in a healthy, loving way because of it. :)
Love,
Robin
Lookit all my cute cousins!! (And lookalikes, too)
I think the 'real' siblings question is probably ignorance and not knowing how bad it sounds. But honestly, reading through all the comments, people can be real idiots!! You'd think in this day in age, with family dynamics being so varied and open, people would get over this bit of curiosity and just accept a 'family' as 'people who call themselves family'!
This is why you have the kids and I have the dogs...you have infinitely more patience and understanding, and you know how to handle hot situations. (My cousin, folks, she rocks!)
First of all, I love the photos...and the photo of you and your brother is so sweet. Made me tear up. I keep a childhood family photo on my fridge of all 10 of us kids and my dad from 1972 and I love looking at it every day; tho it's now making me feel old!
Second, the topic of adoption questions...the ones I detest the most are "how much did she cost" and "why didn't you adopt a baby from here (the U.S.)". Add to that, the newest question about whether we "knew Eliza was autistic" before we adopted her. Oh boy... I know people are curious about adoption, the choice, the process. Some will say that we "did a good thing" (ugh), some say that they've always wanted to adopt too (smile) and some act just plain uncomfortable with it. I also get the question of whether I have other children and when I answer that I have 2 older children (do I need to say step), I've gotten the reply "your husband is a good man". Wow.
Ironically, because of these questions, I talk less about our 2nd upcoming adoption than I did the first time around w/ Eliza's. That makes me sad. I just know w/ Ava Meiying being 7, we're going to get even more questions than we did with Eliza; some of which I've already gotten. So because I get tired of the questions and the word adoption (I don't even think of Eliza being adopted) I've stopped using the word "adoption" myself and replaced it with "my daughter was born to me from China"; "born into our family or born into my heart"; or "how our family was created". And so this is how I reply to questions anymore "I'd love to answer your questions and share the story of how Eliza was born into our family with you because it's a beautiful and moving story, but...(I'm in a hurry right now; or as you can see, she's losing patience w/ shopping right now; or this isn't the place, etc., etc.)
Even my own understanding of adoption and the process has evolved greatly since we started the journey of bringing Eliza home.
I do know though that when you come across a person who has been touched by adoption, whether it's someone's grandma, someone's aunt or even a family, your guard comes down and your heart warms; the connection is unspoken and powerful...and all those tiring questions you get from people dissolve and you are reminded that you are simply a "family".
It takes special people to adopt and I think people are fascinated by the concept. We wonder if we would have it within us to do the same. So we ask dumb questions but mean no harm.
Megan & Mom2Eliza have great attitudes which will be passed along to their children. That's really the bottom line. When confronted with uncomfortable questions or narrow minded attitudes, children will pretty much feel and think the way their parents do in these situations. We can't always be there for them. Their lives will be easier if they have a positive attitude about themselves and a compassionate attitude toward others.
Not an easy job - raising children. No matter the situation.
Love, Auntie M.
Tiffany, we get these same questions. Are they twins? triplets? how far apart? (E is 5 months older than D, who is 6 months older than W) Are they REAL brother & sisters? Honestly! It really is frustrating, at times. One woman, when told the age difference, asked, "how is that possible?" Duh!
On the lighter side, I can assure you that it is not only the families formed through adoption who suffer such ignorance. Our oldest daughter has identical twin daughters. They are very blond. Ellie is very Asian. One day I had the 3 of them in a cart together. They were about 3 years old. A woman asked, "are they twins?". Yes. Then she asked, "which 2 are twins?"!!!! Are you kidding me??? lol
Also, our daughter has had people remark that one twin is prettier than the other. Some have asked (in front of her twins) if one is smarter, sweeter, etc.
So.... we finally had some cute stick-figure business cards made up. When the questions are too intrusive, but we don't want to be rude, we hand the person a card. It has our website listed and an email and offers to speak with anyone considering building their family through the miracle of adoption.
Your littles are adorable, BTW. I don't know if you remember me, but W is from the same area as Ty.
I'm kinda with you on the word "adopted"....I feel that way too. I found your post refreshingly honest...I could just envision the scene at the grocery store...=( grrr. sounds like you handled that annoyingly asked question perfectly. I'm convinced some people are just stupid. There, I said it.
I'm with you sister. Thanks for sharing. Time for us to get the kids together again and play since they did so awesome together last time! =)
Bless your heart! I always imagined getting questions and how I would answer them and if I would be offensive, etc. I have not been asked ONCE anything about adoption, is she from China, NOTHIng :) Not that I'm complaining!
I think the answer to whether they are brother & sister = YES. REAL brother and sister? = yes. Twins? = Yes.
:)
I know I'm way behind on commenting, but I was catching up today and had to add my two cents! I feel about the word "Step" they way you obviously do about 'adoption'. My oldest son was 5 when I married his father. His Mother had passed away,so I am the only Mom he knows/remembers. I despise being called his step mom. He is NOT my step son. He is mine as much as the two younger boys who happened to be born to me. My youngest has asked if he has a half brother!! I say. No, he's all here, trust me. Of course I explain all this to them but I try to convey the fact that blood does not a family make. My response is, "I didn't give birth to one of my sons, but can't remember which one." That usually settles it! You have a precious family. Don't let it get to you. It has taught me a lot about unnecessary questions. Sometimes I just don't need to know! And, cashiers are the worst!
I have two adopted children also (30 days apart). The questions people feel entitle to ask a stranger are baffling. My daughter is from China and my son is bi-racial. People have told us they look identical and when hearing they are 30 days apart can't figre out how I did that (I say she wasn't ready yet).
I have also used the "They are now" line, but the truth is simple....yes they are "real" brother and sister.
You children are lovely and I hope people learn to just say hello and move on; especially as the kids get older and have comprehension.
God bless the idiots, they can't help themselves.
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